And here we are gathered today to continue our reflection on a large scale on the concept of the couple and the implications that it can generate.
Among the most important, we have already spoken of a need for equity in the relationship. Everyone must feel respected, listened to and appreciated when they have the slightest hope of seeing the union grow stronger over time. But the hard part is obviously to put this into practice.
Indeed, as time passes, the emotional and psychological rapprochement between the two beings becomes obvious, making the differentiation between each entity more ambiguous. We end up being seen as a whole as if you and your girlfriend were one.
In this context, it is difficult to make one’s need for personal affirmation heard without prejudicing the cordial understanding. Yet each of the two lovers cultivates a desire to open outward, to continue his life, to improve his own existence.
Should this go against the hard core of your relationship? How to differentiate between personal and collective goals? How to highlight the notion of individual freedom? These questions will serve as a basis for our reasoning.
The individual as a fundamental attraction
What needs to be understood before letting oneself go to a reflection on the “harmful” impact of a personal will to evolve on the couple, is that the latter has not always been a confused entity, a relationship highlighting the symbiosis that can exist between you and your girlfriend.
If she is with you, it is because you have seduced her, that you please her as an individual. Why then refuse you the right to become better ? Does being in a relationship prevent you from making choices for the sake of overall improvement?
No, clearly not … and if your partner expresses his jealousy or selfishness, remind him that the factors of your development will have a positive impact on your personality in everyday life.
In concrete terms, this means that you must continue any business aimed at ensuring a future, emptying your head or improving a compartment of your life, whatever it may be.
Be careful though, this truth must be reciprocal. If your sweetheart wants to do activities without you, devote herself to her studies or put in place mechanisms that will allow her to be happier, let her do it. Possessiveness is one of the enemies of romantic relationships!
The notion of personal goals is always influenced by the fear that the other person may meet more interesting people or suddenly discover that one does not deserve it. All this comes from unconscious and unfounded fears. You have to get rid of it in order to learn how to face up to your responsibilities and make your choices. ( How to differentiate love from friendship )
What is a couple goal?
There it is, the real question to ask.
No one has ever said that having individual aspirations is a detriment to the life of a couple or cannot contribute to it. Do you want to have a child or move? The desire to improve your knowledge, to ventilate your mind with your friends or to play sports can underpin these common, deeper desires, symbolizing a step in the right direction.
What is important to understand is that the member of a couple must separate from egoism and egocentrism. Everything does not turn around you, your partner must have a say. But from the moment that your goals do not conflict with those of your couple, you should not feel guilty about formulating personal desires.
A goal of a couple is a common goal, a desire to overcome certain obstacles and to deeply anchor the values ??of the union on notions such as sharing, support and the demonstration of mutual personal involvement.
If you should put it above the rest of your needs, that does not mean that you have to deny your status as an independent person in favor of an erasure, which would highlight the whole one-sidedness of the relationship.
A goal of a couple, this is not a goal stated by your girlfriend that you must meet at all costs, without being interested in the consequences of the latter. It is the shared definition of what a love life is, based on compromise and agreement, of course, but not refuting the notion of individuality, which is clear, makes all the charm of a relationship.
If you are in a relationship, it is also because your vision of life and of your environment corresponds to that adopted by your sweetheart, or in any case that it understands it and respects it.
How to dissociate personal goals and couple goals?
For a relationship to work, it must, of course, take time and effort. Can not be fulfilled if you put your console and you need to have fun before the imperatives of the couple.
One of the shared objectives is obvious stability. It is therefore up to you to prove yourself and evacuate the daily obligations (shopping, households, administrative problems, etc.) as quickly and efficiently as possible before you think of anything else.
The long-term objectives, they will have to be regulated, filled over the duration, but never be ignored. Thus, it is with two that you will study the paths for the future and the projects to favor. The principle of the differentiation of objectives is quite simple: everything that is attractive to every day and the material situation should be discussed, while your choices affecting only your own personality (new training, new school orientation, desire to promote … ) can be quite one-sided (even if you tell your partner).
There is an amalgam still too often supported: it is thought that the two entities forming the couple cannot have their own personality, individual desires and well-formed opinions on a specific question.
This belief is dangerous because pushes the couple into lassitude. It is not forbidden to have aspirations … provided that these do not impinge directly on the good function of a relationship that I reassure you, depends on many other factors.
A couple leads by definition a double vision of the future: one as a family home, impacting the material criteria (place and nature of the dwelling, composition of the home, distribution of the budget …) and the other more individual, entering in a logic of personal development (willingness to play sports, to evolve professionally, to keep a social circle afloat …). It’s up to you to make both coincide!
To go further: The Complete Guide To Managing Well Your Couple!
Over time, the life of the couple becomes a long calm river. But the routine is not inevitable.
This new guide allows you to discover how to make your adventure to two an eternal restart. A real spicy program to get through arguments and boredom! You will discover in particular:
The 7 signs that indicate that she will be a good girlfriend or the ideal woman.
How to overcome the routine in your couple: The actions to take step-by-step.
How to make a woman happy and faithful to you – forever.
What to do when love slows down … and how to turn the tide
The 5 alarming signals that indicate that your couple is in real danger – and how to react
And much more!